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January 1, 2007 Well another year has come and gone and I cannot go without saying some things I hope for in the new year to come. I don't believe in resolutions because I don't believe in limitations. I do however, believe in transition and progress. So with that being said here are my thoughts about the past year and my hopes for the new year. What I loved about 2006:
What I hated about 2006:
What I hope to see in 2007:
So there you have it...not too much, but a little on my thought process for the future. I know some of it is far fetched but I have hopes for the future and so should everyone. What I really want to see more activism and less bitching. You can't save the world by bitching, but if you are actually pro-active you may actually be able to see change. I would like to see some sort of enlightenment period to take place of all this confusion and uneducation in the world. Eh, I know it may not happen, but it's my hope. November 24, 2006 I sit here wondering what it is I'm suppose to share with you, but all I have is random thoughts and deep secrets. I'm listening to Jack's Mannequin...I haven't gotten sick of this record yet. It's truly a good piece of work. They are also all very nice people and I love that I know so many good people in my life. I finally have gotten to that point in my life where I've ridded myself of all the shit I used to lug around with me. I know interesting, intelligent, witty, and just plain kind people. I always thought that everyone I met would eventually fuck me over in one way or another and for a while that is how it was for me. I have some people in my life which have endured the sands of time and I don't see very often, but they are always in my thoughts. The memories I share with those people are burned deeply into the facets of my mind. I have those friends which for me I see daily and bring a smile to my face and accept that I'm a grumpy bitch sometime, but know that a shot of tequila and a good laugh makes it all better. I also have those people in my life I don't know if I ever will see again, but are so deeply rooted in my veins that there is no way to rid myself of their memory or the inspiration they brought to me. Whether we want to believe it or not, these people that have burrowed their way into our lives are there and they affect us in many different ways. The best thing about those people is that they are the ones who push us to do better. They are the ones who we want to have our backs and the ones we will get into a bar brawl for. They are people which help us see a different perspective on things whether we want to or not. It could be a hundred people you know or it could be just one person in your life which makes you see that companionship holds true. So, I guess I'm feeling mushy with Thanksgiving and all. Maybe I just am thankful that I have these types of people in my life. These friends and colleagues and comrades who make my life what it is no matter where we all might be. Maybe it's the red wine gone to my head and rendered me nostalgic as I'm so often these days. Eh, who knows...I just thought I'd share my thoughts as they seep out of my brain at this particular moment. I'm listening to NIN now....all that mushy shit....geez... October 8, 2006 I was wondering if this section has become my bitchfest. I decided to write something uplifting and true. I have been in my apartment this weekend doing the usual. Working. I've been working on my ideas for lots of things in the hopes that it will bring me closer to discovering what it is I'm actually good at. You know all your life there is someone telling you what you should and should not do. These days I have people telling me the things I'm good at...which is really nice to hear. Anyway, I'm sitting here contemplating my life and where I am in it. We all do it. If you don't you're a liar. I ask myself those same questions of what ifs. What if I had gone to school for something other than I did? What if I had the guidance I was suppose to have? What if I had the money to go about the things I wanted to do? What if I'm meant for more? As I get older, time gets faster. When I was younger I thought I would never be of age for anything and now I just want the clock to stop for a little bit before I say, "Where'd it go?" Success is many things to many people. Our range of success is pretty much the same. I think we all gauge that aspect of our life on status and money. Do we have the three car garage and can I dress my children in what Brad Pitt and Angelina's children are wearing? Do we have that job which pushes us to the echelon of what society deems as respectable income? It's taken me a long time to get over all this. I too thought the goal was to get the highest paying job in the coolest place I could work in and succeed whether I really was passionate about my line of work or not. I know what people think sometimes when I tell them my husband is a musican. I can hear the snicker in the back of their smile. The same snicker I hear when I tell them I hold the title of ADMIN. It wasn't until recently that I've looked on this with some sort of pride. I do more than most people I know. There is way more to me than people expect or see. My life one year ago consisted of a move to New York, I was terrified and excited about. It consisted of a stolen car, stolen livelihood, and a loneliness I've never felt before. It held no direction and no hope for anything that I wouldn't have to struggle my ass off for. It was met with opinion and speculation as to whether I could survive. Well, here I am. I am here today. I work a job that isn't necessarily a dream, but one which grants me the ability to live here. It also has given me new people to connect with who see me as someone who pushes. I also have a new social life which doesn't really encompass much except for the occasional show and the Sunday Brunch from time to time. I have found people here to really be into what I am with no questions asked. Everyone here is working towards some goal in their life. They are ambitious and hard working. It's an energy I had never been accustomed to before and it fuels my everyday. I feel like I'm alive in a lot of ways that I didn't before. I feel like I'm worthy of something. I feel free. This magazine has done more for me than any paycheck will ever do. It has allowed me to be who I am. It has given me creative license over what I wish to communicate to the world. It has given me hope and has given me independence. I look upon my life today and say, "Wow, you are a success." No titles necessary. September 16, 2006 Have we all become complacent citizens? Have you ever noticed this? Have you ever notice how we're being told what to think and do in all facets of our lives? Have we become such a complacent society that we need all this direction and coddling? What exactly is the TSA doing with the Dior mascara of my brother's girlfriend? Why is it necessary that things like "Caution - Coffee is Hot" need to be printed on huge large letters so that we may obey it's caution? Why are we as American citizens being treated like little children? Is it because we've chosen to be? Is it because in today's society we are being told day in and day out what we should eat, wear, listen to, and watch? When will the revolution begin? When is someone going to step up and say "NO"...we're not idiots are we? Do I need someone to speak to me in a condescending manner telling me what I should and should not be doing...do I not have the common sense to direct my own life? I'm just pondering all this business of being told how to live in an indirect manner. What is this, Fahrenheit 451? It's appalling to think that we as adults are going around yes maaming and yes sirring for things that we did not create yet we can't tell our teenage daughter she looks like a hooker and to go put something else on? We have taken direction very well yet we are doing nothing to direct ourselves and our children. I understand being safe and having rules to be safe but when it infringes on my rights as an individual, well I think it's really gone too far. We cannot prevent failures and we cannot prevent our fates so why do we take so much precaution to do so? Just because you lock a door with 27 locks doesn't mean they can't get in. I don't know I just see ourselves going downhill with all this and if we continue to do so we can expect a life of going to the airport naked and having hidden cameras put in our houses as the new "reality" TV show. Just something I've noticed lately. August 10, 2006 I'm having tolerance issues. My tolerance has become more diminished as time moves on. I know it sounds like I'm a stick in the mud and believe you me I don't ever want to be that person which makes statements like, "When I was growing up...", but I fear it is inevitable. I do find myself...well...selfish. I don't want the youth of today knowing what I used to wear or becoming a follower of who I used to listen to. That is for me, not you. I think they should find their own thing...let them have EMO...I have my childhood of mosh pits and hardcore shows. I have memories of sitting in a basement somewhere drinking Jack Daniels listening to Circle Jerks. I have memories of high school where the "X" dominated my life. I have memories where I lived it and didn't preach it. That is for me. I am upset that my secret will be out soon and is getting out right now. I see it on T-Shirts. I see it on the eyes of 16 year old Kholed out boys. Coming from a broken home does not make it valid to have a mohawk. Wearing bondage pants does not make a statement about our government. I find there is no respect...only a regurgitation of knowledge one does not live, but idolizes. It saddens me that my youth is for sale. It saddens me that what was once a real statement has become trendy and commercialized at tech nearest Hot Topic. Make a statement...put on a show..donate the money to some worthy cause...respect your elders...respect that they really believed in what they did. Do it with integrity, do it with life not with your clothes or your hair. To my elders who find it impossible to move on or grow in any way...it's time already. You can still have integrity and values and believe it what you did, but you can also have a job worth having and the responsibilities that come with it. You, however, cannot bitch about corporate america when you yourself are a product of it. You cannot continue to drink at the same bar for the next ten years without anything to show for it. You cannot make judgments upon me just because my hair isn't dyed or my clothes aren't ripped up. When did it ever say that because you grow up your have to rid yourself of your life's philosophy? I've just been recently encountered with all these things. I cannot say I have any right to judge but it is my opinion. I just can't have the tolerance for certain behaviors in this time of my life. I don't like most teens I encounter these days. They have speech problems and do not speak intuitively or try to. They just speak. It sounds cool to say the "Government Sucks", but to know why you say it is what's important. I don't like 20something girls making advances towards my husband in front of me. To me that is disrespect and to be honest not very ladylike. I don't like that these guys who are in bands at mere 21 years of age think they are god. You will be gone tomorrow honey because sooner or later your audience will grow up and see that you cannot play that instrument in your hand. I also don't like the fact that people don't look you in the eye anymore. What's with that. Am I so not on your level that you can't look at me when you make inane statements? Name Dropping has always been a pet peeve of mine...I don't care who know or where you've been. I do however care if you actually have something impressive to say about those things. To all of our friends who have become in the spotlight recently...don't forget who you are and where you come from because you may shun me now but sooner or later it's going to come back to you and we will be on opposite sides. I miss people having balls. I miss being able to converse with people. I miss people being individualistic and less predictable. So yeah I have some issues recently with people. Living in New York is hard as well because you never know who likes you for you or if they like you to benefit them. It's always a game of show and tell. Do for me and I won't do for you seems to be the motto although there are a few individuals out there who really genuinely see the big picture and get that whole idea of helping others They see the common goal and the common good it does. I think I need to find more people of that caliber or else I may turn into Travis Bickle and call it a day. June 3, 2006 I've recently started looking for a new job. This has become a very painstaking process. I think I've figured out why a lot of you have chosen to do graduate school...finding a job is a bitch. Actually, finding a job that will suit you is a bitch. The interview process itself is trying. I recently had a contracting agency asking if I had a suit to interview in. I'm 33 man, do you think I'm an idiot. I really don't see how a suit will or won't get you a job. I recently interviewed at a very well known advertising agency where my interviewers were wearing t-shirts and jeans. How is it that I have to present myself to them yet they don't have to do the same for me? Are they not trying to make themselves as attractive as I have to? I find it ludicrous, if I can wear a blazer and a nice skirt that should be sufficient. Interview questions are my next beef. I mean show some interest in who I am not just who I am in a work environment. I've come to realize that it's about 90% of what you look like and what your personality is like not necessarily what your experience or skills are. People want to know that they can get along with you. I also have a problem with interviewing for jobs that are given to internal employees. Why are you wasting my time? I don't have all day to go to an interview where you have already made up your mind. I also think it's quite wrong for someone to start interviewing for a position when the person who holds that office has decided to stay all of a sudden. Once again, stop wasting my time. I do like a company that hires on the spot. If they like you right then there then just say so. I know it's "policy" to interview everyone but if you really have made up your mind then say so. We strive so hard to impress these companies just so we can have the ability to make some money and to be in a career that we can enjoy and I feel all we get is the run around. How does this give me incentive on being an active member of the workforce. I truly just want to start my own business and be my own boss, but that takes capital and without that there is no startup. It's a means to an end. So while I'm bullshitting my way through these interviews and not getting hired, time is going by and I continue to be unhappy and frustrated with a minimum income. So that is my gripe at the moment. Not enough experience. Not enough coolness or image. Not enough of saying the right things. What does it take to get a job around here! Yet, they wonder why our generation is going through crisis much younger than what it used to be. You're either working 13 hour days trying to be the best or your working the 9-5 in a cube or you're very lucky and you've gotten accepted into grad school and you don't have to work or you're very lucky and are doing exactly what it is you set out to do in the first place. For all of us who are striving to get somewhere new I wish you luck and I hope you don't have to wait too long to find a fulfilling career! March 21, 2006 I sometimes wonder if people understand the fact that I'm just unavailable sometimes. Most of the time it's physically but sometimes it's just plain mentally. I check out for a few and I'm unreachable. I got a cell phone for emergencies and for the ability to be able to contact people if I had to. Although I have replaced my land line phone with a mobile one, it means just that - I'm MOBILE...moving...on the go. I do not have the capacity at all times to sit on my cell for hours on end talking about how horny you are or how you can't seem to get to work on time. I will however talk to you if we're meeting some place and that way we can socially interact. I have a friend who calls....once....twice....two messages and one more ring later, doesn't get me. I call once, I leave a message if necessary, and then I'm done. If you can call me back cool, if you can't you're obviously indisposed. I don't understand people giving me a hard time because I don't ALWAYS answer my cell phone. I admire men's ability to do this sort of thing. Their cell convos are short and sweet. I don't like to talk on the phone unless it's someone I haven't spoken to in a number of months or lives far away so we can't interact physically and socially. Serial callers are not wanted here...people who get pissed that I'm not returning their call immediately...god forbid I'm in a meeting or on a subway..and those who just feel it is my duty to be available at all times for them. I like being unavailable...it allows people to wonder where the hell I am and what am I doing. Then there's the opposite, people who not only don't answer your calls but refuse to call you back. This is of course because you need information or are trying to contact them about something that is actually of importance. Some people have a tendency to lollygag around thinking you don't really have things to do. Musicians are quite known for this attribute. I think that's why most bands need managers because if they didn't have them they wouldn't get anything accomplished because their time management and efficiency skills are lacking. I'm speaking of most musicians not all of them of course. So all I'm saying is that I think sometimes people expect convenience in too many things especially other people. We are so used to getting everything at warped speed that we tend to forget that we are not creatures of convenience ourselves. Sometimes I'm just not around and yeah I screen the hell out of some calls and it's because I'll get to you when I can. I'm cooking, I'm on the train, I'm on a plane, I'm sleeping, I'm having sex, I'm eating, I'm UNAVAILABLE to come to the phone right now, but if you leave a message I will get back to you as soon as I can. Thank you and have a nice day! February 15, 2006 Ok I'm just about as fed up as I'm going to be with the media. I think they've been going and have gone too far. If Joe Schmo was hunting with his friends and "accidentally" shot his friend who strayed from the group without telling anyone, well I don't think anyone would be calling the White House about it. Oooo now it's a freakin' conspiracy. Jeez, I mean seriously are we as a nation that freakin' stupid? Does this type of incident happen often in every day life? Yes. Is it an unfortunate event? Yes. Was it an accident? Yes. Do we need to know when Dick Cheney takes a dump? No. I think it's ludicrous of the media to make such a big deal about nothing. I think it sucks that someone was shot and it's unfortunate but do I think there was something more to it than there is? No. Let's just get over and try talking about, I dunno, perhaps what we're doing to save the environment! February 7, 2006 Inspiration: a divine influence or action on a person believed to qualify him or her to receive and communicate sacred revelation b : the action or power of moving the intellect or emotions c : the act of influencing or suggesting opinions That's a pretty heavy definition so I started to think about it. When was the last time I was inspired? When was the last time you were truly and genuinely inspired? People are always mentioning their inspirations, but are they really or are they just some item which tinges the senses slightly? Have you noticed there's no more Einsteins or Shakespeares in the world? People are given the right of celebrity just by mere glancing the right way. It is quite sad that there is no one out there pushing the limits with integrity and justness. I am inspired at times by simple things such as the right lighting or more so the right mood. Is there anyone I see and say, "WOW, I am utterly and completely moved." Not in it's true definition. Now there are some people out there who do move me in all areas of life. I think the last time I was inspired was by Ewan McGregor and Charlie Boorman. Here you have two celebrities which chose to go around the world on a motorcycle and while doing so exposing themselves to the elements as well as lending their support to a charity. That to me is inspirational. That to me makes me want to do something incredibly trying on my psyche only to get the reward of accomplishment. I suppose people are inspired by different things, for instance, I think that Valentino Rossi is a huge influence on the MotoGP world...it requires great skill to ride a motorcycle the way he does. I think Trent Reznor is an inspiration to music in that he creates music which is his own and doesn't compromise that for anyone. I think my husband is an inspiration to my life as I see his ambition and his strive for wanting to play drums the best that he can. I'm inspired by many many things, but there is no one thing or no one person which would make me change my life in order to reach greatness. I see people being inspired by what Paris Hilton did to her hair or by a band which became insta-famous by mere image alone. Does this not allow for those who are rightfully inspirational to take the helm? Why are we so determined to be so easily gratified? When are we going to start waking up and paying attention and really putting those individuals who are REALLY doing something in the spotlight? I don't see it happening anytime soon and that is sad. For now, I'm going to keep finding those individuals who are setting the bar for more worthy people. January 3, 2006 In lieu to the horrid murder of acquaintances Brian and Kathryn Harvey and their two beautiful daughters in Richmond, VA on New Year’s Day, I feel it necessary to say something. For all those people who think the death penalty is wrong for whatever “religious” or “moral” reasons I am here to say, I so disagree with you. The system in this country is corrupt. We all know this and acknowledge the truth in that. As reported on BBC Radio 4 on 2 September 2005, the United States of America has a 60% recidivism rate, whereas the UK has a 50% recidivism rate. For me, that is 60% too much. Criminal rehabilitation does not work especially with violent crimes. I want to ask our government why is it that I spend my hard earned tax dollars to keep these assholes in an overcrowded prison cell. Those same prisoners who have access to the Web and other amenities not fit for a rapist, a child molester, or a murderer. What happened to actual punishment? We have grown to be a bunch of wusses in this country. We have to find the heart in everything….perhaps I’m callous and cold, but if someone murdered my four year old daughter or my 50 year old mother, I truly would have no qualms about pushing the button myself. A survey showed that among the nearly 300,000 prisoners released, 67.5% were rearrested within 3 years, and 51.8% were back in prison. I think the punishment should fit the crime. You raped someone, you get your penis taken from you. I think that would work…and look you’re still alive! You murdered someone’s family the same should be done to you. It is the consequence that comes with the action. When we are young, we are taught right from wrong and I don’t know about you, but I know that when I’m doing something wrong, it FEELS wrong. It’s disgusting how we justify these actions and dismiss them as a petty thing. “Oh, with the right books we can teach them to be better people,” please. We’re animals through and through. You kill once you’re more than likely going to kill again. Some of us are more intelligent animals than others. We can’t continue to pacify everything. Evil exists. It always will because the balance must be maintained. I will however state that there are certain circumstances which is why we need a justice system. Accidents happen. I can understand someone mistakenly shooting someone else or someone getting blamed for things they did not do. Of course the problem is not really the system but lawyers. Anyway, that's my rant. I wanted to say that I am sorry
that it takes a tragedy for a community to come together. I am sorry that
no one ever wants to be pro-active until it's too late. We are never taught
to survive anymore but rather to sit back and watch it all around us.
My heart goes out to all those close and acquainted with the victims of
these horrible murders. And, I do not have a heart to those that committed
this heinous crime. I don't think the world needs that filth. September 3, 2005 "President Bush hates black people." I was going to start this section with a light hearted gripe, but after Kanye West's uncensored outburst I decided I had to say something. First off Mr. West if you want someone to blame for the catastrophe of Hurricane Katrina then blame the local government. It is their responsibility first and foremost to have gotten these people the right provisions in such a circumstance. It is their responsibility to inform it's residents to evacuate whether poor, black, or otherwise. It is also their responsibility to take on the leadership of the state and have an organized plan of action in these events. You want someone to blame? Blame the media for showing only what it wants the people to see. I knew it would be a matter of time before this would become a racial issue. Seventy percent of New Orleans population is black. New Orleans is one of the top ten US cities that has the highest crime rate. Are you going to blame the rapes, looting, and shootings that took place there on President Bush? When you are shooting at people trying to rescue you, doesn't that sound a little idiotic? Try blaming what I call human nature. There are whites and Hispanics that inhabit New Orleans as well. Some of whom were in Katrina's aftermath. Does that give me the right to get on national television and say, "President Bush hates Hispanics." I think not. I think that Kanye West and other Hollywood types need to take it down a notch when it comes to speaking in public. It's bad enough we have to endure their public apologies for their indiscretions, but to make such a statement as Mr. West did is in my opinion downright ignorant. If anyone watched that broadcast they would have noticed that Kanye was READING the statements he made before his unscripted remark. When a nation should be coming together we have these individuals who want to fuel a fire which is nonexistent and more so non productive. I will however state that I do feel that Hurricane Katrina's aftermath was NOT handled as organized nor efficiently as it should have been. I do not expect President Bush to be everywhere at once and know everything because in the end it is the US government body which makes these decisions. Presidents themselves are puppets. I had a woman approach me yesterday saying that President Bush should be impeached for this because people had died. I've known presidents to do a lot worse where a number of people died and impeachment was never mentioned. I do not believe that being black in this country warrants you for disaster and neglect nor do I think this was a race issue but one of non preparedness and local government's lack of responsibility. Perhaps if former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani were present things would have ran more smoothly. Furthermore, if Mr. West thinks such things don't you think it odd that President Bush would have Dr. Rice by his side or do you think he would take the time to have dinner with former Secretary of State Colin Powell? I do not believe this is a man who HATES the blacks. And if Kanye has so much power and prestige perhaps he would be on a plane to New Orleans right away pulling out the dead bodies and coming to the aid of his race or perhaps it's just not in his calendar for the day. Please donate to the American Red Cross and thank you to all who have and are offering shelter and aid to those in need.
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©2005 - Anti-Mag - All Rights Reserved
©2005 - Anti-Mag - All Rights Reserved
©2005 - Anti-Mag - All Rights Reserved